Wholeness: A Continous Process

Hey fam, I miss you all so much! For those who reached out to say they’ve missed the post, thanks for the love! 💕

I hope everyone enjoyed their Easter weekend! Mine was cool, my family and I churched and chilled. After church service, we grabbed some food to go. After lunch, we watched a movie and I attempted to have the customary after church nap but the children wouldn’t let me be. We decided to take them out for dessert and let them play for the rest of the night.

I am very intentional about celebrating holidays especially when it comes to our faith. No matter how busy I am, I want to create memories for my children that they’ll cherish forever. Most times, it is the little things that go a long way.

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It’s been a lot over the last few weeks! The best way to describe how I’ve felt is a roller coaster ride. By the way, I don’t like roller coasters…I like to play it safe, I love my life! My siblings always make fun of me because of ‘fear’ more like dislike for taking such risks. Maybe, one day I will surprise them and go on a roller coaster and thoroughly enjoy it. We shall see! 

Yeah, so it has been a lot, from an impromptu trip to new work projects, working during a conference and planning another one at the same time, to everyday responsibilities. It got so intense the other day I was tempted to trash my phone. I couldn’t take another email, phone call, text message, WhatsApp message, or telegram message. I just wanted to close my eyes and find myself on a beautiful island, sipping on fresh coconut water.

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A few weeks before the peak of the busyness, I started to feel ‘blah’. I kept trying to shake the feeling but it didn’t budge. I attempted to pray about it but didn’t know where to start. After a random discussion with my husband, I realized what it was!

I was feeling unfulfilled. I was involved in so much, yet I felt like I was not doing enough. I felt like I was not making God proud. I felt like I was not even at the tip of the iceberg when it came to fulfilling my purpose. I wonder if I was truly impacting lives.

You know I am all about purpose! Spend a few minutes with me, and we will somehow find our way into having the purpose discussion. So how did I get here? I know you are wondering! Yeah, I wondered long and hard as well.

Finding it difficult to keep my house cleaned with three young and active children added to the stress. I love a clean space that is well organized and smells nice. Between many tasks and losing touch with my cleaning lady, my house was a hot mess. To top it off, my dishwasher is currently out of commission; it apparently costs more to fix it than to buy a new one.

Let’s not even talk about my weight loss journey, I had been stress eating plus too engaged to cook healthy over easy meals. Hence, the scale hasn’t been moving in my favor. Thank God for the amazing people that went out of their way to order and deliver food for me these past couple of weeks. You know yourselves, I love ya’ll!

All of the above had me not feeling like my usual self. I didn’t like it but I struggled to get out of the funk!

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My mentor came to town and I was ecstatic, I needed to get everything off my chest. I needed a safety net. I need someone that would speak words that would lift my spirit. Part of me wanted to keep it bundled in because I didn’t want her to think I was weak. After all, she has taught me how to be strong and maneuver these seasons. I waited until the last moment to request a meeting and she said YES!!!

After a short yet deep discussion with my mentor, it all became clear. I was running on empty. I needed to refuel. I needed to go back to my source. There is a difference between working for your employer and having a personal relationship with your employer. 

Before I knew it tears began to roll down my eyes and snot threatened to run down my nose. I kept sniffing to hold it all back but I couldn’t! Then she stood up, hugged me, and said those five words: “I AM PROUD OF YOU!” Followed by some really encouraging feedback. Woosah, I was not doing as bad as I thought.

As a pastor, I am always moving from one church service to the next, one program to the next, one prayer meeting to the next, and honoring one invitation to minister to the next. I am always on the go. But it was time for me to stop, breathe, gather strength, and continue. *PSA: Pray for your pastors*

My mentor instructed me to go on a retreat. I did just that with one singular prayer foci. I needed to recover, I had allowed some disappointments and the not-so-good things associated with life and destiny (which are often lessons in disguise) to affect me. 

We often forget that living a life of destiny is not a walk in the park. When life throws us curveballs, we can either allow them to crush us or we can catch the ball and play to win, we can control the outcome of the game.

Here I was allowing the devil to suggest ideas that did not align with what God had said. FYI, the devil is a pathological liar!!! I unconsciously focused on what was going around me instead of what God was doing in me. News flash – your input will determine your output. Do the work! Let the Holy Spirit mold you. It’s not all fun and games but it is worth it.

So there I was at the master’s feet humbly asking him to fill me up again. The Lord spoke to me during that time and said “You can not keep pouring into others without being consistently filled” (I paraphrase). 

Yeah, I needed to be whole again. It is okay to have battle wounds but don’t stay there. Let them develop into scars. Battle scars serve as memorials…reminders…testimonies. They represent victories! If you have scars, it means that you are still standing, you are alive and it is not over!

As believers, we are soldiers. Soldiers for Christ. There is a war against our joy and peace of mind. Don’t allow the devil to steal your joy. If he steals your joy, he will sap your strength. Even when it hurts you can still rejoice! Rejoicing is not based on your feelings, it is based on a revelation. The revelation that all things work together for your good. With God, no experience is wasted. 

…“Don’t be dejected and sad, for the joy of the Lord is your strength!”

Nehemiah 8:10 NLT

God laid it on my heart to write this post. At times, as believers, we need to make sure that we are whole. No need to fake the funk. Wholeness is your right. If it seeps away, go after it. If you’ve embraced some hurt, let it go so you can be whole. You need to be broken to be led by God, in the same vein, you need to be whole to live for him (ponder on that for some time).

The following Sunday after my retreat, I was surprised. A member of our church gave me two lovely gifts. I was shocked for hours after. I kept wondering what I did to ever deserve them. When I finally mustered the courage up to send a thank you message, his words further wrecked me: 

“I just wanted to appreciate all you do for us and for me personally, your prayers, words of encouragement, and love have been something extraordinary. Thank you ma’am once again. It is just my little way of appreciating you, ma’am.”

Keep working at your dreams…keep on the path of purpose…I know you see the masses…the bigger picture…but the masses start with just ONE person…the bigger picture starts with small steps…

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Fam, I love you all so much! Thanks so much for chilling with me today. I hope this post blessed you. Leave a comment below and let me know what resonated with you.

By the way, I was recently featured on Instagram as a Woman of Impact. Check out the post and show me some love: https://www.instagram.com/p/CcTgGZgL4U8/?igshid=YmMyMTA2M2Y=

If you are in Houston and the surrounding areas, I’d like to invite you to my church’s conference! The theme is: “A New Thing!” My pastors will be there live and direct. Be my guest! I’d love to meet you!

With lots of love,

– Bunmi Adebiyi

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