Married Life: Embracing Differences

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Did you read my last blog post? I spoke about some surprises that I encountered after my wedding day. I was confident of my readiness to conquer marriage challenges head-on. However, I had no idea of their complexities. After my research, I concluded that the major issues in marriage occurred in three major areas: Communication, Sex, and Finances; while this is true to an extent, it is much more complicated.

I heard about the honeymoon phase, and I assumed that we’d be lovey-dovey for at least the first year; well, that wasn’t the case. We did not have major misunderstandings initially; there were just moments of reality checks. I had expectations that I thought were basic. However, we never spoke about them, so my husband had no idea. When I tried to explain, I felt like he did not understand or take my needs seriously. 

For example, we had just moved to a new city. We got our apartment the week of the wedding, so I did not see the place until after the wedding. My husband kept me posted throughout the house searching process, and everything looked good on paper. Only for us to arrive at our beautiful apartment with unfulfilled promises from our landlady.

Before signing the lease, the agent told us that we would have a generator on standby when the electricity went off. He also told us that we’d have running hot water, but that was far from the truth. Furthermore, our first sets of furniture were gifts, and we could not afford what I liked at the time, so my home was not picture-perfect as I had envisioned. I’ve dreamed of my first home with my husband for a long while; it meant a lot to have a tranquil living space. 

I was dealing with these unpleasant circumstances while finding it difficult to connect with my husband. He started a new job the day after our honeymoon, and he worked from Monday to Saturday. By the time he returned home, all he wanted to do was eat and relax. We had weekly meetings and services at church as well; our marriage felt more like a working relationship. The majority of our conversations were about his job and ministry.

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Yet, I had emotional needs; I felt lonely. I had no friends nearby, and I felt so much pressure to be the perfect pastor’s wife. I needed my husband to feel my emotions with me and encourage me at the same time, yet the most I got out of him was pastoral advice. I can not count how many times I heard the phrase “Use your faith!” At a point, I began to feel insecure about my spiritual life. I thought maybe I needed to grow up and suck it up.

Thoughts began to ravish my mind, the main one being “Does he love me?”. My expectations were cut short. I assumed that marriage was a destination where each day would be like a vacation. I was disappointed because it felt more like work than fun. All I wanted was two things: one-on-one attention, and I wanted to be heard and understood. It seemed like my husband was oblivious to my desires. At that time, I understood why it is said that “Men are from mars and women are from Venus.”  

We were (still are) both children of God but very different. Our differences were vast: the way saw things, made decisions, did things, said things, etc. Our backgrounds and cultures seemed to clash consistently. At that moment, I did not know that those differences were the icing on the cake. Differences are what unite people, while similarities lead to conformity. When we work together and celebrate one another’s differences, transformation occurs. There is beauty in making sacrifices to evolve together. No one arrives in marriage as the perfect spouse. It takes a daily decision to be a better version of yourself and, in turn, fortifying your union.

The more I focused on my unmet expectations, the less I saw that I had to be active in creating the marriage of my dreams. I had to go back to the author of marriage and download strategies. It was a humbling experience yet a rewarding one. It is still paying off now.

To be continued…

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With lots of love,

– Bunmi Adebiyi

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