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Thank you to everyone that celebrated my husband with me last week during his birthday! Your well wishes, prayers, kind words mean a lot!
Today, I will be talking about something that I’ve heard time and time again. Over the years, I’ve had the privilege to counsel several women, and one thing that has bothered them is the thought of giving up their dreams to submit to their husband’s dreams or for the sake of the family. In some wedding vows, you’ll hear the women quote a portion of scripture:
“Where you go I will go, and where you stay I will stay. Your people will be my people and your God my God.” (Ruth 1:16)
I could relate to this notion oh so well! My husband got a job before we got married and started immediately after the wedding. I found myself in a very long and discouraging job search; it was not fun at all. At one point, I was upset; I considered how things would be different if I were in the United States or even another city with more opportunities for me. I indirectly blamed God’s plan for my husband’s life as the reason for my misery.
Deep down, I knew better, but I just felt alone and redundant. I would consider my dreams, and they seemed out of my reach. My desire has always been to be a well-rounded, multi-influential woman. The four walls of our home were a far cry from the walls of the empire that I desired to build. I felt suppressed. I could not understand why my prayer for marriage was answered, yet my prayer about my career was delayed. I kept trying to connect the dots, but nothing added up.
I’d pray and hear the words “Wait” and “Preparation,” and I’d be so annoyed! What exactly was I preparing or waiting for now!!! I thought that after three straight years of marriage preparation, I’d be ready to go for it! I was ready to enjoy back-to-back hits not only in marriage but in my career and other areas of my life. I assumed that marriage was the solution to all my feelings of unfulfillment. Little did I know that marriage was not the source of fulfillment.
Marriage is a season of life; it is a stage, it is a chapter, etc. Which each season, there are various phases, I was “prepared” to get married, yet I had to go through another process of preparation to stay married. It was a push for me to grow up! I had no business blaming my husband for where I found myself. Marriage is so focal to every area of your life; the quality of your marriage will determine whether you’ll flourish in your purpose, career, parenting, other relationships, and much more. Yeah, I say it all the time, but Marriage is a big deal! It is a huge responsibility!
God’s plan for marriage is mutual fulfillment; sacrifices will have to be made by both parties. Fulfillment comes as a result of doing God’s Will. God has a purpose for each union; the key is to focus on the purpose, and everything else will fall into place. Plans, places, and things may change with time, but his purpose is invariant. For me, I had to get it together and go back to the drawing board. I had to remind myself of what God told me about my marriage before I walked down the aisle.
It was no longer a difficult compromise; I had to see that season as a sacrifice. It involved yielding to God’s way and offering every aspect of my life as worship to him. It was a time to build capacity for the days ahead. Just like building muscle through intense exercise, it is not easy. I was stretched beyond what I thought was possible. I remember those times now, when the ministry first started, before the children, fewer responsibilities, fewer bills, and more me-time. Those days were actually necessary; if it were not for that time, I’d be down and out by now.
God is the one that gives dreams; marriage is not a place where dreams no longer come true. It is an institution that empowers you to join efforts and accomplish those dreams on a larger scale. Marriage consists of power couples: a couple consisting of two people who are each influential or successful in their own right (Oxford Dictionary). I had to discover my personal power so that I can partner with my husband to make power moves.
I went through the process of re-discovering who I was at the core of my being. I had to fight so that I did not get lost under the title of “wife.” It was then that I was free from defining myself by a temporary situation. My dreams were no longer farfetched. I went with God’s flow, and I made up my mind to enjoy it even when it did not make sense.
Dear married woman, your DREAMS ARE STILL VALID!
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With lots of love,
– Bunmi Adebiyi
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